WEDDINGS

Wedding speech: funny wedding poems

Our Favourite Light-hearted Wedding Poems

15 funny wedding poems selected for the best man, father of the bride, groom, maid of honour and friends of the lucky couple to add a humorous touch to your speech.

Making a whole crowd of guests laugh at a speech is at once both one of the best and most daunting parts of giving a wedding speech. We’ve all been there – a speech being met with an awkward silence, or one too many wise-cracks leaving the audience feeling like you missed the mark.

Trying to read the room and find something to meet everyone’s idea of humour is no mean feat. You’ve got grandma, the couples parents and usually young kids in the room – where do you go for a bit of humour while still keeping it classy? It’s a lot of pressure to bear, especially when you consider the fact that you want to make sure that the bride and groom (who have, wisely or not, asked you to make this speech) live out their perfect day. 

It’s always best to plan these things in advance, and outline exactly what you want your speech to cover in as much detail as possible. But, before you start to sweat about what your script should look like, we think that we might have a solution for you. 

If the thought of making jokes to a room full of people leaves you feeling weak at the knees, have you ever thought about including a funny poem in your speech? It might sound a little unusual, but poems are actually something that the entire crowd – young and old alike – can really get a laugh out of. You also give the impression of being a bit of a literary pundit which never hurts to help win a few people over.

So, with your ticket to the ultimate wedding speech in mind, we list our favourite funny wedding poems. These include everything from timeless classics to wacky new pieces, all of which will leave your listeners in stitches. 

We’ve grouped our top poetry picks by who we think that they’d best be read by – so below you’ll find our recommendations for speeches being made by the groom, the best man, father of the bride, the maid of honour, and a friend of the couple. 

Poems for the Best Man 

What’s great about these poems is the way in which they really paint a picture – the stories that they tell are hilarious, moving and are certain to resonate with everyone listening for a number of reasons (some better than others!). 

  1. ‘Love Me’ – Bee Rawlinson

Love me when I’m old and shocking

Peel off my elastic stockings

Swing me from the chandeliers

Let’s be randy bad old dears.

Push around my chromed bath chair

Let me tease your white chest hair

Scaring children, swapping dentures

Let us have some great adventures

Take me to the dogs and bingo

Teach me how to speak the lingo

Bone my eels and bring me tea

Show me how it’s meant to be

Take me to your special places

Watching all the puzzled faces

You in shorts and socks and sandals

Me with warts and huge love-handles

As the need for love enthrals

Wrestle with my damp proof smalls

Make me laugh without constraint

Buy me chocolate body paint

Hold me safe throughout the night

When my hair has turned to white

Believe me when I say it’s true

I’ve waited all my life for you

  1. ‘Falling In Love Is Like Owning A dog’ – Taylor Mali

Falling in love is like owning a dog

First of all, it’s a big responsibility, especially in a city like [insert city].

So think long and hard before deciding on love.

On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security: when you’re walking down the street late at night and you have a leash on love

‘ain’t no one going to mess with you.

Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable. Who knows what love could do in its own defence? 

On cold winter nights, love is warm. It lies between you and lives and breathes and makes funny noises.

Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs. It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long. But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life, but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!

Love can be bad.

Bad, love, bad!

Very bad love.

Love makes messes. Love leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs lots of cleaning up after. Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.

Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper and swat love on the nose,

not so much to cause pain, just to let love know don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk. Because love loves exercise.

It runs you around the block and leaves you panting. It pulls you in several different directions at once,

or winds around and around you until you’re all wound up and can’t move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go. People who have nothing in common but love stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back, again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.

And in return, love loves you and never stops

A Lovely Love Story – Edward Monkton

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.

I like this Dinosaur thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny.

He is also quite clever though I will not tell him this for now.

I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice.

She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a dinosaur.

But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur.

He is also overly fond of things.

Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?

But her mind skips from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on shopping.

Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?

I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what makes him a richly charactered individual.

I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thoughts and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.

Now the Dinosaur and the Lovely Other Dinosaur are old.

Look at them.

Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love.

Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together.

For the sun is warm.

And the world is a beautiful place.

Poems for the Father of the Bride

This group of poems will bring a slightly more old school style of humour to the occasion, and come from the perspective of someone who already knows a thing or two about married life.  

  1. Gravitation – Albert Einstein

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.

  1. Foxtrot From a Play – W H Auden

The soldier loves his rifle,

The scholar loves his books,

The farmer loves his horses,

The film star loves her looks.

There’s love the whole world over

Wherever you may be;

Some lose their rest for gay Mae West,

But you’re my cup of tea.

Some talk of Alexander

And some of Fred Astaire,

Some like their heroes hairy

Some like them debonair,

Some prefer a curate

And some an A.D.C.,

Some like a tough to treat’em rough,

But you’re my cup of tea.

Some are mad on Airedales

And some on Pekinese,

On tabby cats or parrots

Or guinea pigs or geese.

There are patients in asylums

Who think that they’re a tree;

I had an ant who loved a plant,

But you’re my cup of tea.

Some have sagging waistlines

And some a bulbous nose

And some a floating kidney

And some have hammer toes,

Some have tennis elbow

And some have housemaid’s knee,

And some I know have got B.O.,

But you’re my cup of tea.

The blackbird loves the earthworm,

The adder loves the sun,

The polar bear an iceberg,

The elephant a bun,

The trout enjoys the river,

The whale enjoys the sea,

And dogs love most an old lamp-post,

But you’re my cup of tea.

All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten – Robert Fulgham

All of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.

These are the things I learned…

Share everything.

Play fair.

Don’t hit people.

Put things back where you found them.

Clean up your own mess.

Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

Say sorry when you hurt somebody.

Wash your hands before you eat.

Flush.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Give them to someone who feels sad.

Live a balanced life.

Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day.

Take a nap every afternoon.

Be aware of wonder.

Remember the little seed in the plastic cup? The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Poems for the Groom

If the groom wishes to give a speech at the wedding, these poems provide the perfect blend of laugh-out-loud humour and deeply moving sentiment. 

  1. I’ll Be There For You – Louise Cuddon

I’ll be there my darling, through thick and through thin

When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin

When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train.

When life is just threatening to drive you insane

When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page

When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age

When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm

When the forecast said “Fine”, but you’re out in a storm

When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum

And your holiday photos show only your thumb

When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay

And return to discover you’ve been towed away

When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste

Just stick on your hips and don’t reach round your waist

When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes

When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes

So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…

When you break a rule, when you act the fool

When you’ve got the flu, when you’re in a stew

When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue

’cause I’m telling you, I’ll be there.

  1. Yes, I’ll Marry You – Pam Ayres

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,

And here’s the reason why;

So I can push you out of bed

When the baby starts to cry,

And if we hear a knocking

And it’s creepy and it’s late,

I hand you the torch, you see,

And you investigate.

Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,

You may not apprehend it,

But when the tumble-drier goes

It’s you that has to mend it,

You have to face the neighbour

Should our labrador attack him,

And if a drunkard fondles me

It’s you that has to whack him.

Yes, I’ll marry you,

You’re virile and you’re lean,

My house is like a pigsty

You can help to keep it clean.

That sexy little dinner

Which you served by candlelight,

As I do chipolatas,

You can cook it every night!

It’s you who has to work the drill

and put up curtain track,

And when I’ve got PMT it’s you who gets the flak,

I do see great advantages,

But none of them for you,

And so before you see the light,

I do, I do, I do!

  1. Grow Old With You – The Wedding Singer

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

Oh, it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you

Kiss you

Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you

Feed you

Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink

Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you

Poems for the Maid of Honour 

These fun, daring and witty poems are just the thing to get the entire audience laughing. They certainly give a realistic insight into married life, but we think that this makes them even more appropriate! 

  1. A passage from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis de Bernières

Love is a temporary madness,

it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.

And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together

that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness,

it is not excitement,

it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.

That is just being “in love” which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,

and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,

and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,

they find that they are one tree and not two.

  1. A Word To Husbands – Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you’re wrong admit it;

Whenever you’re right shut up.

Love Is – Adrian Henri

Love is…

Love is feeling cold in the back of vans

Love is a fanclub with only two fans

Love is walking holding paint stained hands

Love is.

Love is fish and chips on winter nights

Love is blankets full of strange delights

Love is when you don’t put out the light

Love is

Love is the presents in Christmas shops

Love is when you’re feeling Top of the Pops

Love is what happens when the music stops

Love is

Love is white panties lying all forlorn

Love is pink nightdresses still slightly warm

Love is when you have to leave at dawn

Love is

Love is you and love is me

Love is prison and love is free

Love’s what’s there when you are away from me

Love is…

Poems for a friend of the couple

These sweet and lighthearted poems are perfect for someone who knows both of the newlyweds well, and so can read out a poem with a story and moral that unites them as a couple (plus, ‘He never leaves the seat up’ is a great way to have a cheeky dig at them both!). 

  1. Oh the Places You’ll Go – Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places!

You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!

You’ll be seeing great sights!

You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.

Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!

Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!

Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!

So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting.

So…get on your way!

Youtube reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmOCyP4VyP4 

He Never Leaves The Seat Up – Anon

He never leaves the seat up

Or wet towels upon the floor

The toothpaste has the lid on

And he always shuts the door!

She’s very clean and tidy

Though she may sometimes delude

Leave your things out at your peril

In a second they’ll have moved!

He’s a very active person

As are all his next of kin

Whereas she likes lazy days

He’ll still drag her to the gym!

He romances her and dines her

Home cooked dinners and the like

He even knows her favourite food

And spoils her day and night!

She’s thoughtful when he looks at her

A smile upon his face

Will he look that good in 50 years

When his dentures aren’t in place?!

He says he loves her figure

And her mental prowess too

But when gravity takes her over

Will she charm with her IQ?

She says she loves his kindness

And his patience is a must

And of course she thinks he’s handsome

Which in her eyes is a plus!

They’re both not wholly perfect

But who are we to judge

He can be pig headed

Whereas she won’t even budge!

All that said and done

They love the time they spent together

And I hope as I’m sure you do

That this fine day will last forever.

He’ll be more than just her husband

He’ll also be her friend

And she’ll be more than just his wife

She’s be his soul mate – till the end.

  1. Us Two by A.A. Milne

Wherever I am, there’s always Pooh,

There’s always Pooh and Me.

Whatever I do, he wants to do,

“Where are you going today?” says Pooh:

“Well, that’s very odd ‘cos I was too.

Let’s go together,” says Pooh, says he.

“Let’s go together,” says Pooh.

… “I wasn’t afraid,” said Pooh, said he,

“I’m never afraid with you.”

So wherever I am, there’s always Pooh,

There’s always Pooh and Me.

“What would I do?” I said to Pooh,

“If it wasn’t for you,” and Pooh said: “True,

It isn’t much fun for One, but Two,

Can stick together, says Pooh, says he. “That’s how it is,” says Pooh

***

Whether you think love is most like a dinosaur, owning a dog, or a plate of fish and chips, we hope that this collection of short (not including Dr. Seuss), funny and romantic poems has given you plenty of inspiration for your upcoming wedding speech. Check out our list of other things to consider when planning the big day.

With your pick from our collection of sweet-yet-witty wedding poems, you’re sure to get everyone laughing and crying all at once. Just make sure you practice reading it out plenty of times ahead of the big day! Delivery makes all the difference.

 

Photo credit: https://unsplash.com/photos/S2YssLw97l4?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditShareLink

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